Over the past two years I have gone through life changes. I was born into a Jewish Orthodox family in Brooklyn, New York. All my life, my teachers, family members and community have given me the message that to adhere to the rules of the Torah and the rules of Jewish Orthodox society makes me a good person.
I have never fit in to this strict mold, but only thoroughly explored what that could mean for my life after I graduated high school. I noticed the people around me, how they followed the rules, which rules they chose to focus on, how they related to others' lives, how they present themselves as perfect and cause pain behind closed doors etc. and concluded that majority follow the rules primarily to fit into modern day Jewish Orthodoxy, and not because they believe in everything they are doing, as they claim. The fact that culture is represented to me as the Truth, as Objective Morality, repulses me.
I have a brother who lives in Texas. He is a different kind of personality than the people I grew up with. He is a practicing Jew, part of the community. He follows the rules of the Torah. He is also simple and honest. He doesn't make up more rules to seem pious; he doesn't parade around the fact that he is a giving, compassionate person who does a lot for his community. He keeps to himself and lives how he does because he believes in it. He does not use his religion as a tool to promote himself in the community.
My thoughts are: if I had been exposed to a community of Orthodox Jews with this kind of honesty and integrity, things would be different. If they lived followed the rules of the Torah because they really believed in it, and didn't use it as a front to make themselves seem pious I would not have a problem associating myself with them. Perhaps I would still not want to follow the rules as they do, but I would have a problem being associated with them. It is the society of strict rules made up by humans in the name of God; the judgements, the expectations, and the immense and widespread pain caused, in the name of God, that makes me so angry, so repulsed.
I just want to run away from anything to do with such hypocrisy.
Sadly, it has also affected my relationship with God, who I need, want, and love. My realization here is that my confusion is not necessarily as I first thought: (is God real? is the Torah true? do I have to follow all the rules...). Rather, it is the people who present themselves as his emissaries that confuse me. I want a relationship with God, and now I do not know who He is. Is he like my high school principals? If so, I want nothing to do with Him. Does he judge me as my neighbors and peers do? I will reject a relationship with that.
I believe He is love, but I have no idea what that means. I will go discover it for myself, far away from corrupted views of love, and God.
I believe so too, with time
My pleasure. The answers will come to you😀
Hi, thank you for joining the website and for taking the time to respond! It gives me hope to hear about your healing journey. It gives me hope that people who grew up in a warped Judaism are able to learn about a loving God who wants you to live healthy and true to yourself. So thank you for sharing ❤️
My name is Shaina, too. It's my first name, though I go by my middle name, because I, too, was always a good girl who followed all the rules. I'm older than you, but I totally understand from where your anger stems. I grew up in Crown Heights and threw out the proverbial baby with the bathwater, and when it came to raising sons on my own, I made the decision to send them to Hebrew Day Schools and continue my observance, even though it was challenging. I saw the contradictions daily and they were, frankly, painful. I learned this. We can't hold G-d accountable to those who pervert the religion to suit their agendas. People are people. Fast forward to now. I attend weekly Torah Classes that are based on LOVE not lectures. I see Hashem as a loving father; the patriarchy that I resented so much, replaced my kids' father. We all are shomer shabbos and mitzvos; It works for us, because it is out of choice, not force. I, even, taught at a Jewish Girls' High School and it helped my healing process. I realized that it wasn't the Torah, but the "emissaries" that made or broke me. Listen to your inner voice. It is beautiful and strong as you are. Good luck on this journey. I love what you wrote about the struggle. It IS real.
Wow Rachel, thank you for taking the time to respond! Thank you for pointing out that it is a journey of forgiveness. This article is part of that process, I guess it's the part where I get angry. Eventually I do hope to forgive and get clarity ❤️
Heyy Sheina!!!
your post is so real and so eye opening. it is very difficult when we have something as unique as the Torah which tells us what to do and how to live life and then people who don’t give over the information in the right way. People who hurt us and scold us for things that we do wrong. maybe even possibly stated that we will go to hell if we don’t follow the rules right. That in itself is so damaging spiritually and psychologicaly. I think that your relationship with GD is beautiful and that your soul searching for truth. We don’t have so much control over how we we’re raised or what principals or teachers tell us. how we wish we could have stood up for ourselves with what we know now. but I thing this journey is one of forgiveness and reestablishing our relationship with Torah and GD. we have to make it our own and know that GD is unconditionally loving as hard as it is to remember as hard as the challenging situation we are put in. it’s up to us to make a difference and stand up for what you believe in. the past is the past and the future awaits. find the strength to let go and teach what was never taught that is where we have power. thank you for bringing up such an important topic. I hope that you have clarity on your soul journe!!